Stay Focused

Stay focused. Simple enough statement. Doesn’t matter what’s going on in your life or your world. Stay focused and work the problem. Stay focused on one thing at a time. Don’t worry about the things that you cannot change. Work on the things that you can. Everything else will find a way to be solved. Don’t allow your worries, battles, force you to stop. Don’t question yourself. What you are capable of doing. Because you know who you are, what you need, what you want, your deepest desire. Use it! Find that thing that you believe in and make it happen.

Shade

Stop Feeling Ugly: Kick Ugly Over : Pick Up Your Power

I have had a lot of women say to me that they know they are ugly. For one reason after another.

I’m too fat.
I’m too skinny.
My hair is too short.
My hair is too long.
My hair is to fake looking.
I have dark skin.
I am High Yellow.

All of these pimples and acne.

Man if I have a dollar for every time I have heard and thought that in my life time. I’d be a rich chick right about now. When I was a little girl I had bully’s. But I pray to God that my bully’s wasn’t anyone else’s. My biggest bully’s were my mother’s family members and my own daddy. My daddy was a big nasty dude. About 5’11 stayed over 300 pounds or more. Out of shape. Sloppy. Now I am not saying that all big men are nasty. I am saying my dad was. He never kept himself up, unless he was after some new pussy. He wore regular t- shirts way to small for his over size body. His huge belly would hang out the bottom and he wouldn’t even pull up his sweat pants which were his signature.

He would  cut the sleeves off the shirts. Only time he dressed up was to go to a wedding, funeral or to the club. Even that would be some slacks, or jeans and a good shirt with a fake chain. He was a wankster. Yet some how, some way, he always had the keys to some Good woman’s car. Was staying in her house. Eating her food, slapping her around and treating her like dirt. Using her till there’s nothing more to use her for. Run up bills he didn’t help pay and at some point she couldn’t pay. Her bank accounts on empty and even if she had a nice car, he’d drive the wheels off of it. So it was no longer in good shape or useable. Then he would move on to another victim, his good looking targets of choice single women, and single mothers. He at some points took care of other peoples kids but never his own. Maybe one of us, the baby. When he literally had one foot in the grave. All three of his own children were by three different women. Of all walks of life.

He only spent 5 years of my life with me off on and on.

Ages:
5
8
13
16 and I talked with him a couple weeks before he died at 20.

Yet instead of lifting me up. Paying for child support, or handing me the keys to my own car, at 16 years old. Having a college fund for me waiting for me to go to school at 18. He ridiculed me. Called me ugly. Fat. Out of shape. Tried to make me feel bad about myself compared to to my cousin which was skinny, out of control, had at baby at 14. He said I’d have a baby before I was 18 back when I was only 8. But that never happened. He was ashamed of me. Which is funny for me to be so ugly. Other then his purple and pink lips with dots from smoking. Him not having hair. Me being way smaller then himself. I looked just like him. Everyone that saw me that knew him, always called me him with a wig. He never did a damn thing for me, but give me a hard way to go.

If anyone has ever seen Judge Toler. You’ve heard her describe to the men they have a problem with there there wife and babies mothers. That if you tear her down with your words and action you break her down to the point where she can’t be there and care for and stand up tall to take care of her/ your children, babies. Well I lived that life first hand. My mom tried. God knows she did the best she could to do right by me. But most of childhood was spent with her working. To the bone. Until her body shut down on her and she couldn’t anymore. I spent that time with her family. Which is where the rest of the bullying came from. Her mother was and is this fat out of shape woman that’s never been isn’t and want ever be anything but a lump of nothing.

She abused my mom as a child, young mom pregnant with me and threw us both out when I was just a newborn baby. Tried to get me taken from my mom more then once.  She put both of us as children in a situation to be raped. Both of us have been sexually abused by members of her family. She takes no responsibility for it. Or anything else. Yet it happened. She’s racist against her own kind that are dark skinned. Meaning because I got my color from my daddy, she was racist against me. I was whipped with long whips cut from trees and bushes in her yard. She starved me to death when I was child. I was probably 95 pounds or less soaking wet when she sat on me. She did it to everyone in that family. My mom came out of it being Claustrophobia. But she got the abuse tactics from her own mom that also beat me the same way she did with whips. I still have the scars on my flesh today as a grown woman that I will soon cover in tattoo’s once I have the chance.

Claustrophobia – Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claustrophobia
Claustrophobia is the fear of having no escape, and being closed in to a small space. It is typically classified as an anxiety disorder and often times results in a rather severe panic attack. It is also confused sometimes with Cleithrophobia (the fear of being trapped).

Her mother, her mothers sisters and brothers. Cousins. My mothers brothers. My mothers sister.  All picked on me at the early age of 5 years. I was raped when I was 5 years old by one of my mothers, mothers sisters sons. I was 5 and he was 16 and I still remember it.

They told me I was ugly. Black. My dads last name is Blow. They picked on that name. Blow fish. Blowing in the air around me. Picking on my daddy’s, mom and dads home. Trying to make it seem like they were so much better then my Grandma and Granddads family. That family. At least my grandma and granddad, the only ones I came I’ve ever had. Were the only family outside of my mom that ever treated me right or showed me love. My moms, mom was in charge of me when I was raped. She would beat me if I didn’t tell them about my moms business that was going on over at our house. They wanted me to tell them details about if my mom and dad had sex. What I heard. Just generally trying to play me, my family and our bond. But even back then I was smart. Quick on my feet. Stronger then I should have been at that age. I never snitched on my mother or told her business. I took the lashing, whippings kicks, spits, starvation. My mom’s mom would call I a good “killing”. I took it all to protect my mom. Her privacy.

She left me there, because she was young and didn’t know what to do and she wasn’t aware of what was going on. She was in another state working. Trying to prepare for our future. The day she over heard some of the abuse. Saw it. Coming to get me, she saw all five of her mothers finger prints in my young face. Heard her threating me. Through the door before she pressed the door bell. That day she took me. She took back home. Life as I knew it wasn’t going to be easier. Just safer. My mom kept food in the house. At 5. Taught me how to cook in the microwave. Gave me a key so I could get in and out of our home.

Myself. I wasn’t to allow anyone in the house. If they didn’t have a key. They didn’t get in. She signed me up for a program called after school. So I wouldn’t have to come straight back home alone. She made sure I knew how to count, left me breakfast and lunch money. Money for cookies at lunch. Snack money for the machines while I was at after school. She got the lady next door to the school to watch me. Take me in to school, at the beginning of the day. After, after school the lady took me home. Fed me, took me with her family if they went out to eat. When they were going to bed. She would drop at home and make sure I got in safe before she went home. I spent the rest of time, alone.

Because my dad had done one of the things I mentioned early to my mom. Running up the phone bill. The house phone was turned off. So she had no way of calling me, and checking on me. She was working first shift, second shift and part of third shift at a factory before walking 5 miles back home. Because my dad didn’t help and ran up the bills. She choice the household bills and had to let the car go. So if she wasn’t hitching, riding a van, or able to catch a ride she had to walk to work and home. My life became a nightmare. I cried myself to sleep at night in the middle of my mothers bed. I kept all of her bedroom lights on and the TV turned all the way up.

Just to fall asleep. She’d get home around 2am. But I never knew it. Her words she’d kiss me, take out my clothes for the next day. Make hot water tub bath with salts. And sleep in the tub without even eating. Get back up at 4am and walk back to work so she could clock in by 5 to 5:30am. She got sick. That’s was our life. Everyone that had a chance to help. Step in. Her family. My dads family. Knowing what a bastard he was. They did nothing. By the time I was 13 years I was screwed up. I had my moms family dissing me, treating me like crap, but never like a real family member. Calling me ugly. My dad calling me ugly. By the time my mom could be there for me. The damage was done.

So being in school for me having people, children pick on me just my family had been doing for years. My moms family. My dad. I never felt pretty. Never had any confidence. Even the few that were attracted to me school. I never let anything happen because I didn’t believe it was true. Thought in my head that it had to be a trick. My mom told me I was beautiful all of the time. But I couldn’t hear it. Plus, knowing, she was my mom. She was supposed to say that. But when you’ve had all of that said to you, at a young tender age of 5 and up, been abused as much as I was before my mom could be there for me. The time where a child should be built up not torn down. Its hard to come back from that.

You start believing and feeling what you hear. I was beaten because my moms, mom hated my skin color. My dad abandoned, when he should have been there. I was raped because who my dad was. All in all I had to pay for his sins. Sins that were never my own. At 16 I fell in love with a man that helped change my life for ever. For the first time in years I started to fall in love with whom I saw in the mirror. I started to dress nice and not try and hide my body any longer. Everyone had me thinking I was fat and ugly and out of shape at 5’7 and a 1/2 230 lbs. Just to hear myself say that out loud now. Makes me laugh at the foolishness. I fell in love with myself and my confidence shined for the first time when I was 16 years old.

Now that I laid all of that on you. Any woman or man that says the first things I said earlier to themselves and others. Think about my testimony. What I endured. I am a stone hot fox to myself these days. Nobody can tell me anything. Because I love me. Right now for health issues, because I am trying to get pregnant and I have a few things I want to work on my body. That’s the only reason why I am about to change a little and start   losing some of this weight. Back to my high school  size which was perfect.

I have a desire to do some new things before I hit 30 years old. I am 26 will be 27 in October. After I burn the fat in my middle. Strength training, even though I can hold my own in a fight. Is on reason. Then I want to take self defense classes and move on to study and practice martial arts. When I get pregnant I need to be healthy and so does my baby/babies.  I want it to be easy to get back down to my normal size in my 6 weeks. And be able to juggle being a new mommy, Daughter, student business owner. Balanced and in good order. I have huge dreams. If it wasn’t for any of that. I am happy other wise in my own skin. I had a person, help me with my confidence. Succeeding helped me with my confidence. Camming helped me with my confidence. Checking myself out in the mirror, out of the blue helped as well. Doing and getting my hair and nails done. So many things. But succeeding in life. Making it. Taking this world by storm. Proving I am not a bum and nothing like my dad. That all that was spoken on me as a child, going to be a whore, slut, have 5 kids and not know whom my baby daddy is. It was trash and it ended up in the pits of hell with the devil and his little workers that stand for him.

You can do it too. Its a choice. Don’t think your the bomb, the best for someone else. Do it for you. I spent a long time waiting for someone to come along to do things with. I stayed as thick as I did before my confidence kicked in,  because I felt #1 I want to have someone I can lose weight, workout and exercise with. Then  it was also, #2 I want the right man to come long and accept me as a bigger woman. SO I know he loves me, before I become a smaller one. All of that and more is what went through my mind. Leaving me with regrets for putting my life on hold for so long. Moral of this story do what makes you happy. Stop waiting for the next person. Trust me if the first one on my list is what your waiting for. I’ve found out no matter what you will know if you are dealing with a snake or now.

Waiting or not waiting isn’t going to change that one way or another. My thing is, once I lose my gut. Which I have plenty of suitors now. But the ones that I know that’s never made a move toward me. If they change there stripes once my body changes. I won’t want anything to do with them anyway. Because, body is changing not my heart, personality or mind. That being said. Drop the ugly thing man. Put the ugly on someone else, and start living the life you deserve. Sorry this was lengthy. Sorry its not for the faint at heart. I am a an acquired taste and a somebody called ” Ms.Real”. You get it as it comes. I won’t put any sugar on it for you. Either your for me or your against me. Which are you???

Love,
Shade