Have Rizpah Tears? Cry Them

I mentioned to you guys yesterday that it touched my heart to read a bunch of some of my old novels I hadn’t had time to read in a very long time. I know that God always had a plan when it comes to me. My whole life has basically be layered out like that. So when I read one of my old books. I learned something I hadn’t before. I read it and understood a very small part of the book that I never even considered before. Then it hit me that that part was also in reference to a part of my own life as well. That’s when the tears came. I am not afraid nor am I ashamed to tell anyone that I cry. See I learned a long time ago that tears both cleans the soul, makes you stronger and helps build you up to take on the next level of your life. Fruit start growing for you. Just like rain for the crops or grass. It means that changes are coming. For me, it always imprints that great ones are coming my way. I told an exfriend of mine before I moved here that I have this thing. I was chatting with my mom about it last evening. Every single time I get to a place in life where, something wonderful is happening. At that time, it was moving here. I think about two things. I think about the people that help me get through to that blessing, weather, physically, mentally or emotionally helped me get to where I am. I think about how some are just taken from my life right after. Like I got the support I needed, now ” God” feels like they are no longer needed anymore in my world, so he reaches in and takes them out.

While others are the opposite. Its almost like the other half, feels like they have used me up of all of what they needed, wanted or whatever they felt they could get out of me, of value. Help, advice, money, food, things, whatever they felt they needed, even knowledge about things they may not have been or would have not been pry too. Then they run like gone with the wind fabulous. I stand in my truth and I find it truly funny that the best parts they could have used, came right after they walked out of my life. I was talking it over with my mother, and it took me explaining how I was feeling for me to truly get, and understand why I felt that way. Did deep down I want to be used? I no longer have an ounce of low self esteem like I did in my younger years. So I knew it couldn’t be that. Yet after reading that book again last night. Looking at the main character in a different way then I did the first 100 times I read it. Both on paper back and kindle. I realized that the part in the Bible about Rizpah. 2 Samuel 21 is where you will find the story if you’d like to read that yourself.

Any who, I saw Charmayne in a different light. See I saw that she was rich. Had low self esteem. Because she felt like she was too desperate to have what God wanted for her and she felt she had to take this one guy because she probably wouldn’t get another one. She fell for a Bum, he stole all of money, her job and the some of the respect she had in her community and church home. It wasn’t until I was talking to my mom with the annointance on me, which tends to happen a lot. That I thought about the fact that Charmayne didn’t realize what she had! I mean she couldn’t see that even though she was over weight, had no man in her life. She had everything else. It wasn’t until she lost it all that she saw herself. Saw what “God” had done for her. She couldn’t see past what flaws she felt like she had. Past what her silly mom, sister and married best friend had to say negative about her life, just because she had weight problems and didn’t have man. She was a woman of God. Had her own house, paid for. High paying job she worked for. Her life was good!!!! It occurred to me every time I repeated that out load last night that she was me. No, not the me now. Not the me I’ve been since 2013. I was a 200, 230 lb chick in high school. Yet all I saw was ugly and fat. Being 350 lb or a little under that now, I see how silly that really is.

I was beautiful. Fine as ever now in my own eyes and nobody can tell me different, I am just way to stuck on my self now! lol  I let so much of my life past me by, back then. I could have played basketball back then and gotten a full ride Scholarship to college. I was just that good! Everyone, coaches, everyone was after me to do it. But because life wasn’t fair, and my mom didn’t have a car at the that time. I wouldn’t. Because she wouldn’t have been able to travel to my games. Someone found one of my notebooks. I’ve been writing, good writing since I was ten. Stories, Poems you name it, I did it. I sold some as a kid to people that loved my work. Someone thought enough about me to put out a writing contest at my school my last year. Winner would have gotten enough to attend college for two years. But I just knew it would go to someone else. My low self esteem got me again. I couldn’t see my own talent, because I was too busy looking at all of the flaws I thought I had. I cried for the me I buried long ago. Because too many bad things and bad people and life killed her on the inside of me and a angry me was born. Until God and I killed her. Now the strong, independent classy, sexy, happy confident me is whom I am now.  Because she never had a chance.

I had a good friend I met on a chatline then became good friends with both on the phone and facebook back in 2011. We talked every day. Neither of us had a car. She lived on the other side of North Carolina from. She helped me through a rough time in 2011. Between a crazy controlling cousin I couldn’t trust. My mom had another life of her own back then that was affecting me in a not so good way. She was a rock in my life. But then things took a turn. Right at that time I made a move I had to. Because of neighbor issues, and she and I became fight friends. We talked, laughed, watched shows together. Days later a fight. Between that and my new situation learning the ropes for making my money. I didn’t have the time for the drama. So for six months to a year we didn’t talk. When we talked again. I had just went through the flooding of my house. Moved and was working on my GED. But she accused me of things that weren’t true and after the last fight, God told me to let her go! All he had to do was ask. I did.

My ex, convinced me to slow down on work and go ahead and get my GED. He supported me the whole time. Right after I got it. He was gone. I learned how to keep my clients  happy doing my real hustle. Learned every part of the business. Learned how to make other people thousands of dollars a day, week and month and I did it, until I had the confidence to go out on my own independently and do all of what I did for them and more for myself. I started out doing this thing with my cousin. I’ve mentioned her alot. She spent way more money, getting her own independent service started because she did it, with less experience then I did when I went independent. Worked for over twenty or more companies all different kinds for five years before I went independent.  If she wasn’t  a bitch to me after my house was flooded, throwing out my food on the ground and disrespecting my mother. We could have been civil. She would now know what I know, and weather together or separate, she would have learned how to properly run this type of business, weather she continued with the leg work, or just stayed management. Serious cash she’ have stashed while doing whatever else she wanted in the process. But she didn’t, she actually gave up. She disrespected my family so I complete cut her off and whatever blessing that could have happened, isn’t. Not for us.

Last but not least my exfriend. Man. I tried to help and convince this person what I knew they could do with there talent yet, they had all kinds of things they claimed they wanted to do.  Just needed a little bit of money to make it happen. But didn’t want to use there talent to get it done. Even tried to convince me I couldn’t learn what I needed from a book, website and such. I guess that was the persons way of thinking I was would be a fool to pay then to do all kinds of things that I knew it wasn’t worth it. I could get others to do what I wanted at a less expensive price and most I could and have done myself. With just a few pages or a book of reading knowledge. Yet I did, and since, God’s sent me more resources then I could have ever imagined. So many things I am involved in and I affectionately think about this person. Yet, the drama they tried to put me through, is enough for me to stay to myself. Regret. That’s what I was feeling. Not a desire to be used. Not low self esteem. Simply regret that I couldn’t and honestly don’t won’t to try and help people that could have stuck with me. But instead wanted to try and use me and throw me away.   But its like I told my mother about her family and a couple of her so called friends. She my mom is not understanding that we are under God’s covering. Where we should be hungry, cold and going through like we did when I was child. We are good. God had provided. Is and is not ceasing to provide. She see’s and listens to others going through.

We both know what its like to be hungry, cold, confused and going through. She likes to help whenever she can. We are doing good. So she wants to bring others in. Close to us. Under our Family’s Halo, so they can be blessed too. But as I had to mention to her last night. You can’t help people that don’t won’t help. When people have nothing but excuses about what they are going through. You offer help and Sage advice about what can help them get on top and change the game for themselves.

Yet when they come right back at you negative. Telling you about what they have. What they don’t won’t or have to do. You accept that this person’s ungrateful, doesn’t want to do any better and move on. Let them go. Don’t allow them to bring you down with them. Let God handle them. There his business. My experience, God, always handles his business. I know he always does, when it comes to me. I am the King’s Daughter! Before you know it, I’ll be updating you guys about whatever blessings that come my way. Because the way I am thinking an feeling. God’s got a Game Changer up his sleeve for me and mine and its going to be huge. Yall pray for me!